Valuable piece dating a guy whos been hurt curious
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You can tell those who've been through the relationship journey before. To them, you're the same old song. The more polite you are the more evil your intentions seem. Not to mention that social media has made every attempt at a connection all about the attraction and less about the substance. Although the ironic thing with hurt people is that all they want is to hear something different but they don't take the time to hear you out.
I'm not trying anything. I'm just spending time with him.
And judging by all these responses that's exactly what I should be doing The only opinion from guys was selected the Most Helpful Opinion, but you can still contribute by sharing an opinion! Guy's Behavior. I mean screwed over by his ex.
He loved her and she betrayed him. Their break up was a while ago, but now he's kind of afraid of women. He likes me, and I like him. I think we'd be really compatible from all I've seen up until now How do I make sure of it? How do I let him know I'm not a bitch who'll break his heart? How can he trust me? Share Facebook. How to deal with a guy who's been hurt? Add Opinion. Quadrophonic84 Xper 2. You can't really fix him. He's got to decide he's over it on his own. He needs space to work out his feelings and emotions.
Take it slow - Trust is built over time.
Instantaneous trust may be indicative of a problem with boundaries for both of you, so give it time. It is necessary to have healing time and not fill the void with someone else. Do express your concern - Observe the behavior without being emotionally attached. Would you like to talk about it? It is important to not change yourself - Do not walk on eggshells or change your behavior in attempt to make him feel better or effect a more desirable outcome.
If you do this, you will begin to lose pieces of yourself and ultimately become unhappy with him, yourself and the relationship. You must be an equal partner and both of your needs must be met in a healthy way. Self-care - Be sure you are taking care of yourself and have your own friends, hobbies and interests. This is not only unhealthy but puts unnecessary stress on the relationship.
Professional help - He may need professional help to resolve the past trauma if he is consistently in a place of withdrawal and avoidance.
Eventually, this will kill the relationship and you deserve to be with a partner who can fully engage with you. If he is unwilling to get help, you have some decisions to make.
Let him know that you are there for him. Allow him space to talk about his past relationship and the insecurities that may have created now. It is definitely frustrating to hear about an ex and the fears that he now has being in a new relationship. However, it is important to be patient and allow him to express these things. Make sure to communicate your feelings, needs, and insecurities with him as well.
This can be difficult out of fear of triggering his insecurities or causing conflict. A formula that can help for most effective communication is:. Describe the facts without your perspective and feelings, that part comes later. Example: You said you would be home for dinner by 7 but then did not come home until midnight.
Now you add your feelings and how the situation and actions of the other person impacted you. Use I statements so that it does not seem as if you are attacking the other person. Assert what outcome you would like, whether it's an apology, a specific action, or a change. Example: I would appreciate it if, in the future, you will call me to let me know that you will be late.
Think back on your needs and priorities, and let go of smaller things for the sake of the ultimate goal.
How to deal with a guy who's been hurt?
Offer other solutions. Being hurt in a past relationship often leads to insecurities in future relationships. That fear of being hurt can take over. In order to help your partner move past this, let him know the things you like about it on a regular basis.
Let him know that you understand he has been hurt and that you are there for him.
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Then ask what you can do and how you can help. Check in with him on this every so often.
Dating someone who's been hurt before is ideal if you can get the past the collection plate. Again, the only currency accepted here is effort because they want to know that they can trust love on more time. But most of us have been hurt as well and as a result we've embodied the very characteristics from above. So somewhere down the road we Author: Dennis Williams II. Nov 17, If the guy you are dating has been in the dating game for a while, you can probably assume he has been hurt somewhere along the way. Let's be honest, dating is no walk in the park. Broken hearts, disappointments and betrayals are everyday occurrences when looking for love.
Make sure to listen to what he tells you he needs from you. A common occurrence in these situations is that one assumes they know better. They have to come to terms with things at their own time, the best thing you can do is support that and give him that time. Most, if not all, of us, have been hurt in the past, and no more so than in a past relationship.
The experience of losing love, and the pain that goes with it, comes knowledge and a more in-depth understanding of others who are going through a similar situation.
If your partner is currently experiencing grief and loss over his past relationship, you no doubt, will have some understanding of how he feels. Your partner's feelings can stir up issues for you because when we connect with another on an intimate level, we can suffer triggers and emotions from our unresolved issues and baggage from the past.
If you are 'triggered' by your partner, it's because you have something to resolve and heal within you. Take this opportunity to reflect on your unresolved issues. You can come from a place that is:. The more you can love and appreciate your partner, without passing judgment on his feelings, thoughts, and behavior, the more loving energy your partner will receive from you to see the truth of his current situation; he has a loyal partner in you, and he can release his past relationship.
We all have different ways of dealing with issues and feelings. Just because you might want to talk about how you feel and tell 20 different people the same story over and over again does not mean that your partner is the same.
Your partner may, in fact, be the total opposite of you, which can be the case - 'Opposites Attract,' - he might want to withdraw to process his feelings and go into his 'Man Cave. Do not see your partner retreating if he does as a sign of 'rejection' and take it personally.
If the guy you are dating has been in the dating game for a while, you can probably assume he has been hurt somewhere along the way. Broken hearts, disappointments and betrayals are everyday occurrences when looking for love. So, how do you deal with it if the guy you are dating has been hurt in the past?
This will depend on what has happened to him and the extent to which he has worked on healing his own wounds. One of the unfortunate things I have seen as a therapist and life coach, is that women tend to reach out and get help when they are hurting much more than men. This actually places an unfair burden on women to do much of the work in relationships while men often suppress and hide their pain. If you suspect some past pain is still haunting him, you may want to gently inquire about his dating history.
You can encourage this conversation by honestly sharing some of your own vulnerable experiences and see if that opens him to do the same. Ask questions and allow him to talk. Respect his thoughts and feelings and recognize that he may not have shared them with anyone before.
Be careful not to offer advice and solutions. This will often shut a person down. If you want someone to open up, take a stance of curiosity and non-judgment. Validate his feelings and offer empathy where appropriate. While it may be helpful for him to share his feelings, he needs to do his own healing work and take responsibility for his own unfinished business. If he is not willing to do this, he may not be the best candidate for a relationship. His unresolved pain will surface at some point and become part of the present relationship.
While past baggage resurfaces for us all to a certain extent in relationships, it is important to choose a partner who is willing to consciously grow and heal. This will also give you some indication if he would be willing to work on his relationship with you when the going gets tough or if he will simply sweep things under the rug or walk away. If you eventually feel that his past pain is becoming too burdensome, you may need to reconsider if you want to remain in the relationship.
Unhealed wounds can create toxic feelings and behaviors that become sabotaging and destructive.
Dating a guy whos been hurt
This would be true in the case of a man who has addictive behaviors such as alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, porn addiction, work addiction, etc. Any addiction is an escape from painful feelings that are deeply buried. Being in a relationship with a man who is not dealing with his unhealed pain in this way can waste years of your life.
It can be tricky to find the balance between compassion and acceptance for a man with unhealed pain and staying in a dead end relationship with a toxic partner. Tread this terrain consciously and get the help of a therapist or coach if you feel you cannot be objective. They are often sensitive, sweet and caring. Take time to get to know them, including what happened to them.
Let them talk about their dating or mating experiences at their own pace. Ask them questions, but be sensitive to the fact that it may be painful talking about it. If they seem highly uncomfortable sharing, respect that and back off. Maybe they were a victim or maybe there were things they did that caused someone to reject or abandon them. Listen for the entire story before thinking that you really understand what happened.
Simply listen with curiosity and see what they learned from the experience. The goal is to let him know that you understand being emotionally wounded. But, be careful not to go overboard and make the discussion all about you. You have your stories and he has his. Note their similarities and differences. Check in often with how he thinks the relationship is going. If you like him a great deal, tell and show him. Be reassuring.
Try not to give in to these behaviors. A relationship based on dishonesty will never work. It is very difficult and often impossible to change this kind of mindset even for a therapist! Karen R. When a man has been hurt in a past relationship, he will tend to do the same thing that a would woman do Being vulnerable is a scary place to be, so the first thing that humans opt for, is to protect themselves from potential pain, humiliation, shame, rejection.
Unfortunately, choosing protection over trusting in your partner can cause further pain and disrupt a relationship's growth.
I asked a few men what they felt the best advice for women is, regarding their experience of being hurt in the past and what worked best for them to heal from the pain.
What I found sounds very similar to what we as women do when we have been hurt. Remember how vulnerable you felt when you were hurt and how you tried to hide your pain in the new relationship.
They appreciate the little things, your presence, the time allotted, and the energy spent. Their pessimistic comedy is funnier than it should be. Instead of those superficial text conversations, you engage in deep forums regardless of if it's 3a.
You all have an understanding of respect about each other's preferences simply because they understand the meaning of "asking, of only what'd they do of themselves. Dating someone who's been hurt before is ideal if you can get the past the collection plate.
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Again, the only currency accepted here is effort because they want to know that they can trust love on more time. But most of us have been hurt as well and as a result we've embodied the very characteristics from above. So somewhere down the road we're going to have to ask ourselves if we're willing to put forth that effort towards someone as rightfully skeptical of love as us.
Here are a few of the ways you can successfully love someone who's been hurt too many times. Don't Rush Intimacy. She's probably been involved with a few guys who didn't have good intentions, and she probably gave her body away too soon more than a few times. You need to show him that he has no need to defend against you. He needs to know that you're not going to hurt him the way that he's been hurt in the past, so he doesn't need to put his usual walls up. As a man who has been cheated on (by a few gi. -someone who's been hurt before. I mean screwed over by his ex. He loved her and she betrayed him. Their break up was a while ago, but now he's kind of afraid of women. Because as he says they can f*** you but they can also f*** you over. He likes me, and I like him. I think we'd be really.
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